【英文笑话集中营】

ggg-988

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him
into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to
make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a
cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He
says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

潘骁

I can do nothing
A man’s wife could not read the thermometer. She took her husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor. “Dear Doctor, please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 63.”

The doctor replied, “Dear Madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade.”

我无能为力

一位妻子不会看体温表.她量了丈夫的体温后给医生打电话说：“亲爱的医生，请快来吧。我丈夫的体温是63度。”医生回答说：“亲爱的太太，我无能为力了，您叫消防队吧。”



[em07]

[此贴子已经被作者于2003-4-14 18:21:37编辑过]

zbz

hehe
the doctor is so hamor

tanhang

GOOD!!~~~~~~HOHO~~~~~~~~~

KittyJ

"Waiter, did I leave an umbrella here yesterday?"

"What kind of an umbrella?"

"Oh, any kind of. I'm not fussy."

潘骁

The hat is brand new


There was a little old lady standing at a corner one windy day. She was using both hands to keep her hat on while the wind blew her dress up.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, like that, while you stand there holding your hat on."

"Look," she said, "everything under the dress is seventy years old, the hat is brand new!"

潘骁

英语五大妙用


含蓄内敛一直是中国人的传统美德，甚至包括对待自己心爱的人。而I Love You恰巧就迎合了这样的市场，“我爱你”很多人说不出口，但是I老虎you（电影黄飞鸿里的台词）却是可以翻来覆去地脱口而出。表气愤：很多人都抱怨英文难学，但是英文中骂人的话却可以让大家无师自通，要不说情话和气话，世界语言都是相通的。众人表示用英文泄愤，更能够淋漓尽致地表达出来。创时尚：现在流行英中夹心话，“I 服了YOU”，这是大话西游的经典台词。IT行来，外个公司到处会飘扬着这样的对话：这个idea创意very good,明天我们discuss一下这个case,看看有没有benefit.

fogworld

Hand in test paper
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the professor asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand intheir tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The professor said, "No and I don't care." The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The professor again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

Jack's Answer
　The teacher is asking an arithmetic question: "Jack, if you found three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars in your left pocket, what would you have?" "I must have somebody else's pants on."
杰克的答案
老师正在问一道算术题：“杰克，如果你在你右边口袋里发现了3
美元，左边口袋里发现了4美元，你一共有多少呢？”“我肯定是穿着别人的裤子。”

Money Refunded
A couple took their three-year-old son to the movies with them. On the way, the usher said they’d have to leave if the baby cried. “But we’ll refund you money” he added.
After watching the movie for a half-hour, the husband turned to his wife. “Well, what do you think?” he asked.
“It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen!” the wife replied.
“Me too,” he agreed, “shake little Tom.”
退款
一对夫妇带着他们三个月大的儿子去看电影。在进入戏院时，引座员说如果婴儿哭的话，他们必须离开。“不过我们会把钱退还给你们的，”引座员接着说。这对夫妇看了半小时电影，丈夫转向妻子：“喂，你觉得这部电影怎么样？”他问。妻子回答说：“这是我看过的最差劲的一部。”“就是，”丈夫附和着说，“把小汤姆摇醒。”

I Don't Want to Be the First One
Boby: Dad, I'm too tired to do my homework.
Dad: Now, my boy ,hard work never killed anyone yet.
Boby: Well, I don't want to run the risk of being the first.
我不想当第一个
博比：爸爸，我太累了，不想做功课．
爸爸：孩子，刻苦学习以前可没有杀死过人呀．
博比：嗯，那我可不想冒险当第一个人．

What's Going to Be?
Neighbor: What's your daughter going to be when she graduates?
Mother: An old lady!
做什么？
邻居：你女儿大学毕业后要做什么？
母亲：老太婆。

I Hope So
Neighbor: Do you think your son will forget all he learned at college?
Father: I hope so. He certainly can't make a living by kissing girls!
我希望如此
邻居：您认为您的儿子会把在大学里学的东西全忘光吗？
父亲：我希望这样--他当然不能以吻女孩子谋生吧！

What Would You Do?
Son: Mum, if someone broke your best vase what would you do?
Mum: I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
Son: Well, you'd better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it!
你会怎么办？
儿子：妈妈，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你会怎么办？
妈妈：我要揍他，还不让他吃晚饭就去睡觉！
儿子：好了，你准备好拖鞋吧，爸爸刚把那只花瓶摔碎了。

I Thought You Were Out
Mum: Horace, why are you crying?
　　Horace: I've hurt my finger, Mum.
　　Mum: When did you do that?
　　Horace: Half an hour ago.
　　Mum: I didn't hear you crying then.
　　Horace: No, I thought you were out.
我以为你出去了
妈妈：霍勒斯，你哭什么呀？
霍勒斯：妈妈，我把手指划破了。
妈妈：什么时候划破的？
霍勒斯：半个小时之前。
妈妈：那阵儿我怎么没听见你哭呀？
霍勒斯：那时候我没有哭，我还以为你出去了呢。

Sharing the Apples
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. "Share them with your sister," she said.
　　So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started tucking into the large one.
　　"Cor!" said his sister, "If Mum had given them to me I'd have given you the large one and had the small one myself."
　　"Well," said Harry, "that's what you've got, so what are you worrying about?"
分苹果
妈妈给了哈里两个苹果，一个大点儿，另一个小点儿。“跟妹妹分着吃。”妈妈说。 所以，哈里就把小个儿的给了妹妹，自己开始啃那个大个儿的。 “哼，”妹妹说，“如果妈妈给了我，我会把大的给你，把小的留给我自己的。” “对呀，”哈里说，“你拿到的不就是小的吗？那你还着什么急呀？”

long2003

好笑

long2003

The changing Boots
There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."